These thoughts have been weighing (no pun intended) on my mind a bunch lately, and what better way to get them out than to confess them on the world wide web- purveyor of all things private, hah!?!
It is with sadness I confess I think I've gained 3 or 4 pounds in the last month or so. At least that's what the scale says, so I'm going with it. I was first tipped off to this fact when my jeans started feeling tight this week. They are even my fat jeans- I still haven't even attempted my regular, pre-pregnancy ones! I have always struggled with my weight and have serious issues with my self-esteem on this matter.
Having said that, I am just fed up with the system! Why is it that when moms get together they all have to confess whether or not they've been working out or if they ate a candy bar that day? Why do we all sit and complain about our bodies and reminisce back to our pre-children days? Why do we feel so bad if the buttons on our shirt are puckering a bit? Why? Why? Why? Why are weight and size an ever hovering thought in our mind? Why do we label ourselves as good or bad based on what we ate that day. What we eat shouldn't make us good or bad. It is how we treat others, right? I am sick and tired of weight-loss commercials on TV. I am tired of the 'get-healthy-today' bits on the morning show and their 'helpful?' tips on eating better or shedding calories in our diet.
When the twins were 2 years old, I started an exercise regime and had lost only 1 pound in six weeks with intensive exercise. I was so fed up that I joined Weight Watchers. It worked great for me. I lost 30 pounds, but got tired of everyone complimenting my new figure and telling me how good I looked. My day to day activities at 30 pounds less did not change one bit (aside from my running 4 miles instead of walking them for exercise). It made me frustrated to feel that my self-esteem was so affected by this change. What suddenly gave other people license to comment on my figure? My favorite was this, "Have you lost weight? You look great!" Then inside I would reply to myself, "Oh, I must have looked really bad before."
After some other struggles, perhaps the topic of another post, and a Roger pregnancy later, I was introduced to a book called Intuitive Eating. It is a great book that talks about making peace with food and ultimately, with yourself. One part of this process is to let go of the 'diet mentality.' I actually thought I mastered this concept until I got on the scale this week and was supremely devastated with the number. Those feelings of self-doubt and wondering if I look totally bad right now are flooding back in. Now I feel like I am stuck in this circle of fear wondering if my weight will spiral out of control. This stress doesn't help me AT ALL to eat more healthfully. I start eating crap because I know I will have to start another diet soon and those foods will be off-limits.
I have an amazing friend who is overweight. She is the most wonderful person ever. She's kind and sharing and positive. I want to be just like her. And really, she's beautiful- long curly blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes. She dresses beautifully. She's a great mom. She hasn't gotten a family photo in years because she's so embarrassed about her weight. This makes me sad. I wish I could shake some sense into her. I wish she could see herself like I see her. But at the same time I can recognize some of her mistaken beliefs in myself.
So I am throwing this out there for anyone who has wisdom.
How have you made peace with food and your body? I need help. A prayer or two wouldn't be bad either. I'll take anything I can get.
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11 comments:
I'm sorry you are stressing about this, Camilla! I can relate to every single word you wrote, except the part about getting tired of when people mentioned how great you looked when you'd lost weight and you wondered if you looked awful before. For me, when I get compliments, I think, I KNOW I looked awful before, so it feels great to look slightly less awful now.
These kinds of thoughts occupy a great deal of my day and I too get so sick of even thinking about it! I lost 21 lbs this year and felt amazing, but then the strangest thing happened and I stopped feeling amazing. My negative thoughts about myself have crept back into my head. It's like the excitement of losing has worn off completely and now I just feel fat again because I haven't yet reached my goal. I'm still exercising like a mad fool, but I just ate 4 banana oatmeal muffins in one sitting right before I read your post. I guess I like to sabotage myself, or I really just like food too much. I think I need to find a healthy balance. Another friend of mine read that book and recommended it to me. I read part of it and didn't finish because although I understand what it's saying, and know that it's right, I don't feel I'm ready to accept myself. I want to reach my goal, dangit! And it's depressing me! I'm sorry I've gone on and on here. But I love ya, Camilla. I hear you, and I have always thought you are beautiful.
camilla... what would i do without you. i have been feeling like this now for months myself.. i just can't say it as wonderful as you. i have been working my butt of at the gym now for 6 months & i think i have gained 5 lbs instead of losing them. everybody just says you are gaining muscle. WHATEVER. my pants don't fit me any different!
somedays i just think screw it but, when i work out i truly feel so much better. so the crapy thing is... it is 80% diet, 10% exercising,& 10% genetics. so it is all about what you eat. how depressing is that. so i can work my butt of at the gym but if i go get a cheeseburger & fries at mcdonalds there pretty much goes my work out. i need a prayer too. i know pretty much what i have said doesn't help... it makes me feel better though!!! ;) i say just go get a cupcake at the sweet tooth fairy today & it will make you feel better. i know it would make me! look at my blog cause it is what i'm craving today. let me know what you figure out. i will want to know in on the secret. Oh weight watchers worked for me too. i just need to get back in the swing of things!
love you lots. sorry for the long post!!!!!!!!
xoxo.
p.s. it doesn't help either when your son asks you why you have so many wrinkles in your legs!!!lol ;(
My mom is obese. She has been almost my whole life. I remember as a child waiting in the car (back when you could leave a 5 year old in a car) as she went from diet center to diet center to get "weighed" for the week. She came out either smiling or her face full of despair.
Because of this, I learned at a very young age that what you weigh is VERY important (why else would my mom spend so much time and money and be SO affected emotionally by her weight!). I remember when I was about 14 and started counting my calories and exercising daily. I obsessed about it and guess what... I gained weight. My mom sat my sister and I down and showed us a picture of herself when she was in her 20's. I couldn't believe it, she was a very healthy weight. She looked great! SHe told us that it all started back then... she thought she was fat so she started focusing on her weight and dieting and literally gained 100+ lbs. I think of that picture often when my jeans are feeling tight and my stomach is bulging out the top. It's easy to say and hard to do sometimes but I am trying to love my body where it is now and when I am really struggling I think of my mom and the lesson I learned that day. I also think of the example I am being to MY girls. Anyway, it helps me.
:) Sorry soooo long.
Camilla, I've been trying to figure out why I'm obsessing over the scale (might have something to do with the almost 5 pounds I've gained since I moved) and whether or not it's something appropriate to worry so much about.
Like this week, remember, I was thinking about giving up sugar, since I have a hard time stopping at just one or two cookies.
And then I thought, would my children rather me be 10 pounds overweight with a tummy and lots and lots of happy memories cooking in the kitchen together and yummy snacks after school, or would they rather have a thin and fashionable mom who focuses on her diet every minute of every day?
I think we both know the answer to that.
The Lord wants us to take care of our bodies. They are our temples. We are to be moderate in all things. But self-loathing about a few extra pounds doesn't seem to be how He wants us to deal with our sweet teeth. So although I have an unhealthy obsession with weight, I'm trying to learn to simply love my strong body and love the food I give it. Moderation. I just need to remember MODERATION.
Miss you.
You get to a point where you REALLY want to change and it's all downhill. Don't beat yourself up. I used to think the EXACT same thing when people complimented me "yeah I look great COMPARED to what I USED to look like...buzz off!" But when strangers tell you, it starts to sink in. When you look in the mirror and tell YOURSELF you've worked hard and you do look great, THAT is a turning point.
*HUGS* You can do it if you really want to. If you don't yet, just be happy with yourself. *HUGS*
I lost a bunch of weight last year. It was something I had wanted to do for a LONG time, and finally, I reached a point where I was fully committed. I was okay with people telling me how good I looked because to me, it was an acknowledgment of all my hard work. It's SO hard to lose weight! I never felt like they were secretly telling me how bad I looked before (except maybe my mom sometimes, but that's another story!). I think most people never really thought much about what I looked like before.
However, I still beat myself up when I gain a few pounds. So I do need to get over the unrealistic self-loathing. Right now, I'm up about 5 pounds, and the way I feel about myself, you would think I'd regained the whole 50! And every now and then, I think to myself, "Why should I be proud of myself? Instead I should be embarrassed that I ever needed to lose all that weight in the first place!"
So yeah, we beat ourselves up and speculate about what other people think. But for me, it comes down to how I feel. And I feel so much better when I'm exercising regularly and have my eating under control.
What you need is a bowl of ice cream and some stretch pants. Go get them now and then read the rest of my comment.
Seriously, I HEAR you. Every word. but guess what- we are not going to get ANY better looking from here on out. Our looks are going fast I'm trying to accept that. Try to focus on loving people and doing service, it will take away the focus from yourself. I always feel the most beautiful when I am serving someone. You are the MOST wonderful person, and the wittiest and the smartest... Deedles loves you, your friends love you, your children love you, HF loves you so accept yourslf and LOVE yourself, including all of your cellulite and fat rolls!!!!!
Now go out and buy something new that fits your current size perfectly.
Natural man is an enemy to God. We have so many things that "tempt" us in the world. Isn't the gospel all about working to overcome the easy life of selfishness, greed, and gluttony. We don't really want to help others, we want others to help us. We don't want to have to work to stay healthy we want it easy. We are always looking for the easy way out. But no one said it would be easy, just worth it, right. Constant battle, every single day. Baby steps, we are all in this together.
Kelly
PS I feel a little awkward being the only male commenting. Is that weird.
PPS I love you blog.
Great post. I, like you, think about my weight constantly. And the sad conclusion that I've come to recently is that no woman, ever loves her own body. We always think it should be better in some way. Like the other day, I was looking at some old pictures and thinking how funny it is that at the time of the pictures, I thought I should lose a couple pounds, but now, I'd love to even be close to that weight.
That being said, I'm trying to lessen my stress about my body. I try to think of what the hosts of "What Not to Wear" always preach about just dressing and enjoying the body you have. Punishing yourself for not being the size you want doesn't help. I try to enjoy where I am; wear real clothes, not "mom" clothes, so I feel better; focus on health not size or poundage; and remember that the main reason I want to be healthy is not even so much for me, but so that I can do what I want to do with my kids.
It's a perfectionist attitude!
The sabotage is really just punishing ourselves for a tiny slip up!
Instead of acknowledging all our hard HARD work, we discount our successes and demean ourselves and punish ourselves and continue to punish ourselves and discredit any compliments and when our self worth is beaten down it is really hard to be motivated and productive and to feel love.
The wrong side wins. The Adversary conquers.
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