Change is coming

I just had a unique experience: Roger started crying mid-nap, so I slipped into his room, picked him up, and rocked him back to sleep. Generally, he's such a great sleeper he doesn't wake up early. In fact, it is usually me that has to grab him out of bed as the family heads off to one of the twins' gymnastics classes.

So I am sitting in the big rocking chair, with my two-year-old cradled across my diminishing lap, and he sticks his little hand right up onto my growing belly and closes his eyes. And as I am looking at him, I can remember holding him in the same chair just over two years ago and rocking his tiny little, blanket-rolled body to sleep. Sure, he's the same kid, but he's just so much bigger now. Bigger hands, bigger legs, and a bigger personality.

And then I realize that he's not going to be my baby for very much longer. This makes me sad. I'm sad because he's going to have a hard time not being coddled anymore. Instead of saying, "Davis, please share that toy with your younger brother," I'll be saying, "Roger, you need to share with your little brother. Roger, will you please go get mommy a diaper? Roger, will you throw this in the garbage can?" And I just don't know if he's ready for that. But, ready or not-- it's going to change.

I'm wary of the aches and pains that will come with this adjustment. I'll admit, I'm scared spitless about having 4 kids. I know I've got so much work ahead of me--so many sleepless nights-- which don't bring out the best in me. I'm also nervous about being able to give all my children the attention they need--and deserve. I hope that as this baby arrives, and we adjust to a new 'normal' that whatever changes happen will not negatively affect our family. Will I still have time to read stories and sing songs at night? How much extra time will the T.V. be turned on--to the detriment of my growing 6-year-old's brains? Will the twins be able to adjust to the fact that we can not host a play-date every single day? (they are going to have to!). I anticipate Roger's clinginess will get worse- will I be able to patient with him? Will I physically survive the 12 weeks post-delivery without significant help from D? (never not had him around before).

When I start questioning all the hard things that will happen and my mind starts whizzing into overdrive, I try to remember that babies bring something peaceful and angelic to a home. They are the newest visitors from heaven. There's gotta be some blessings coming to us that I can't fathom yet, right?

So, I'm going to try to cherish the memory of my sleeping baby--little Roger on my lap-- and file that memory away into my imagination. . . . .